Friday, October 28, 2011

I Listen So You Don't Have To

Yesterday, some young people stopped me in the street and asked me if I liked modern music. 'Why yes of course' I replied, 'I enjoy lots of modern things, The LCD Soundsystem, John Grant, Bon Iver, Magnetic Man and The Flaming Lips to name a few'. 

Apparently these aren't modern enough for todays youth, they're 'shan'. Politely, they asked me to cast a weather ear over some of todays chart bound sounds. So I did.

I've listened to them so you don't have to. If you got a record token from your Auntie Phylis for your birthday and you're wondering what to buy this weekend, maybe one of these might be just right for you.

Christina Perri.
This sounds like Death dragging a rusting metal box crammed with evicerated puppies, scratching it's way across the face of a burnt out child.

Adele - 21
Sounds like a morbidly obese lass caterwauling down a ten-foot, in the pissing rain, having lost a shoe in a brawl outside a chippy over a lad called Shane. In Rotherham.

Jessie J
Sounds like a dog having eaten a box full of false nails, eyelashes and glitter, now having a convulsive shaking shit to purge them from it's system.

Florence and the Whale
A posh bird at a christmas do for abatoir workers, caged in a karaoke machine which can only spew out You've Got The Love until someone comes and cleves her head from her shoulders in a mercy killing. Which never happens.

Lilly Allen
Sounds like a flat bike tyre, the leak caused by a syringinge discarded by Pete Docherty on his way to score some smack from Amy Winehouse's ghost.


Andrew Barton said...

Steve, it's Florence and The Machine, not Florence and the Whale.

That said, why do youngsters think her version is the original (same with that dance cover of Out of Touch, which destroys the original)? Have they not heard the Candi Staton original?

Mr Drayton said...

I know it is Andrew, I know it is...