I Listen So You Don't Have To

Yesterday, some young people stopped me in the street and asked me if I liked modern music. 'Why yes of course' I replied, 'I enjoy lots of modern things, The LCD Soundsystem, John Grant, Bon Iver, Magnetic Man and The Flaming Lips to name a few'. 

Apparently these aren't modern enough for todays youth, they're 'shan'. Politely, they asked me to cast a weather ear over some of todays chart bound sounds. So I did.

I've listened to them so you don't have to. If you got a record token from your Auntie Phylis for your birthday and you're wondering what to buy this weekend, maybe one of these might be just right for you.

Christina Perri.
This sounds like Death dragging a rusting metal box crammed with evicerated puppies, scratching it's way across the face of a burnt out child.

Adele - 21
Sounds like a morbidly obese lass caterwauling down a ten-foot, in the pissing rain, having lost a shoe in a brawl outside a chippy over a lad called Shane. In Rotherham.

Jessie J
Sounds like a dog having eaten a box full of false nails, eyelashes and glitter, now having a convulsive shaking shit to purge them from it's system.

Florence and the Whale
A posh bird at a christmas do for abatoir workers, caged in a karaoke machine which can only spew out You've Got The Love until someone comes and cleves her head from her shoulders in a mercy killing. Which never happens.

Lilly Allen
Sounds like a flat bike tyre, the leak caused by a syringinge discarded by Pete Docherty on his way to score some smack from Amy Winehouse's ghost.

NO MORE Mr. NICE GUY

Sadly this weeks Record Player comes with a dark cloud hovering above it's head. After last weeks shenanigans I feel it's time to bring down the heavy hand of authority. I have to do this to protect those who come along to enjoy the music every week.

The Record Player prides its self in bringing a relaxed atmosphere, a place to take time out from the day, a place to listen.

So it began last week. Abbey Road played and a scuffle broke out during Maxwell's Silver Hammer. All well and good, not everyone likes this piece of McCartney whimsy - Lennon called it 'Paul's granny music' after all.

Further investigation revealed the scuffle wasn't over the merits of the song. It was members of the audience attempting to suppress a triangle player. He'd brought the triangle along to 'enhance the vibe'. I gave the audience a stiff talking to.

Afterwards, some came along to aplogise. They admitted to bringing along the following - a stylophone to Dark Side of the Moon, a comb and paper to The Stone Roses, marimbas to Ziggy Stardust and harp to Bon Iver.

I feel guilty for not noticing. I'd thought these new sounds were coming out from the uncompressed beauty of vinyl. Turns out it was some kids fannying on with instruments they'd brought along.

I never thought I would have to say this, it saddens me that I should have to. From here on in - NO MORE INSTRUMENTS.

Anyone who looks as though they're carrying will be searched, and if found in possession of instruments will be taken to the Record Player parallel universe version where Phil Collins 'No Jacket Required' is in perpetual rotation. You have been warned.

Queen II by The Queen Group this week.

Hello, Hello, It's Good To Be Back....

The Record Player Returns on the 13th Oct with the fab-four-tastic Abbey Road. To increase your record enjoying pleasure, single album evenings will also include a devilish daft competition.

The prize for this Thursday is a pair of tickets to any future Record player evening of your choice*.

There is a downside though. All those who enter are automatically plunged into the Essential and Ultimate box. The lowest scoring team has to chose an album that is classed as Ultimate or Essential.

It might make a nice present for your Nana. Personally, I wouldn't have them in the house.

* It was going to be a fab Beatles plate, but the pillocks I bought it from failed to deliver it in time.

End Of Term Report, Record Player, Vol 1.

With the Record Player resting it's weary stylus this week, I feel it's high time to take a look back at what was an interesting and entertaining set of albums, and to reveal The Record Player TOP FOUR.

If you've come across this blog before, you'll be heartily sick of reading about how fantastic it's all been, so I'll not bang on about it all too much.

Needless to say it has been great, far, far better than I expected. I never expected people to applaud vinyl, I never expected to meet so many people who are so in love with music, knowledgeable and enthusiastic and who are prepared to sit and listen to groovy sounds.

The evenings have been pretty much finding their own way.When I punted the idea to the Tyneside Cinema I knew what I wanted to do, and certainly didn't want to try and make it 'all about me'. I do witter on at the beginning, in an attempt to put people at their ease, ready for the music, and am always happy to chat on afterwards.

What I didn't expect was so many lovely folk would come, with such an open attitude, it has been most heartening and puts a spring in my step come a Friday morning.

The next seven weeks albums are those chosen from a short list of 20, which was boiled down from some 40 or so suggestions. If your favourite isn't on the list, look out, it maybe on the list should the Record Player return in the New Year.

So what have been the hits and misses of the last month?

According to ticket sales - here's the Record Player Top Four.

No 4: The Stone Roses by The Stone Roses. The lowest attendance by a country mile. I thought this would be a sure fire winner, but you proved otherwise. The vinyl - played from two separate albums wasn't that warm either.

No 3: For Emma, Forever Ago by Bon Iver. After the relative failure of the 'Roses, I wasn't holding out much hope for this, the most modern of the selection. I was wrong. A most chilled evening.

No 2: Dark Side Of The Moon by Pink Floyd. One ticket off a sell out for this one, half way through side one and the room relaxed.

No 1: The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders from Mars - David Bowie. Top seller by a country mile. Original 1970's pressing adding depth and some surface noise. Added bonus of exclusive interview with drummer Woody Woodmansey, it was the icing on the  Record player Volume 1. Cake
Thankyou one and all.